By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller