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The Lighter Side (Apr 2019)

April 29, 2019

Things I've learned from my children

  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  • A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
  • Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
  • Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
  • Super glue is forever.
  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  • VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.  It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up when they’re dizzy.
 

Things moms would never say

  • "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
  • "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
  • "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"
  • "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
  • "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey.  I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
  • "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
  • "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.  It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
  • "I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"
  • "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
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