Christmas ShoppingIt was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Enough SaidAt a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I don’t like them!"
Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
Christmas ReindeerAccording to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known... only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
The real trick isn’t picking the right pine. It’s getting the live tree inside your home…
- Cut the cords that bind the tree to the roof of your car. Allow them to snap back and strike you in the eye.
- Say bad words.
- Slowly pull the tree toward you. Wobble under its weight for a few seconds, then fall down.
- Say more bad words.
- Stand up and notice the fresh scratches in the roof of your car.
- Say even more bad words.
- Drag the tree to your front door and spend 10 minutes figuring out how to open the door while simultaneously getting the tree through it.
- Once inside, fill the tree stand with water. Knock all the water out of the tree stand because you forgot to wait to fill the tree stand until after putting the tree in it.
- Make up some new bad words.
- Your tree should now be in the stand. Notice the fallen needles that have reduced your tree to half the size it was when you bought it.
- Take a big drink of spiked eggnog.
Not what she was looking forOn New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
New Year’s ResolutionsI will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will balance my checkbook…on my nose.
Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case".
I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I will stop saying, "Oh, that feels nice" whenever the security people frisk me at airports.