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The Lighter Side (Dec 2018)

December 20, 2018
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
 
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
 
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
 

A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.  “What denomination?” asks the clerk.  The woman answers, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

 
A customer walked into the store looking for Christmas lights. The sales person showed her the top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked him to take them out of the box and plug them in.  He did, and each one lit up.
 
“Great,” she said.
 
He carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as he handed them to her, she looked alarmed.  “I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”

 
These holiday “headlines”—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated, but still have the ring of truth:
  • Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
  • Study Finds Link Between Red Wine and Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
  • Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
  • Book Given as Gift Actually Read
 
A waitress at the restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.

A brand new employee didn’t know any of this backstory, so he was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.”
 

Just as the Christmas Eve service began, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and the pastor found some extra candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then the pastor reentered the pulpit, shuffled the notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
 
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”
 
Source of the above: Reader’s Digest
 
Dear Lord So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped or I lost my temper; I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen
 

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

 
Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette. 'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds. 'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.' 'Phase one?' wonders Ken. 'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

 
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.' 
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