The Lighter Side (Feb 2020)

St. Patrick’s Day, celebrated on March 17, is usually always somehow associated with alcohol.  These alcohol-related quips from the Reader’s Digest will hopefully tickle your Irish funny bone.
 
Being Reasonable
Everyone has a right to make money.  A sign posted at a local pub reads “Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink”.
 
Seven Young Blondes
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up.  Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon Blanc.”
 
Choices
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
 
Advertising
Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.  Steve’s girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.”
“No,” Steve corrected. “If I drank a six-pack, you’d look like her.”
 
Beach Date
Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed.  I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”
“Sure,” she said, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”
 
Leaving a Mark
Bartenders and waiters have heard them all.  But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a drink. “Nah, I better not have one,” said one man after I offered him a glass of wine. “I have the world’s worst stomach.  I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I’d leave my own chalk outline.”
 
Flattering Tip
I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston’s Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.
 
“You’ve got to be kidding,” I said. “I’m almost 40 years old.”  He apologized, but said he had to insist.  When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer.  “That will be $4.25.”
I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change.  “The tip’s for carding me,” I said.
He put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”
 
Little Help
A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads:  “If you drink and drive, we’ll provide the chasers.”
 
Trick Question
Do you serve ladies at this bar?  No, sir, you have to supply your own.
 
Bad Day
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop-duster, how his day had gone. “It was the worst day of my life,” replied the man. “This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane.  When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out.  Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.  On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer.  So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beers?’
The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.’”