The Lighter Side (Jan 2013)

WISDOM FOR THE NEW YEAR
 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
 
Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
 
Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
 
By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
 
I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
 
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
 
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.  But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
 
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal