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The Lighter Side (July 2015)

July 29, 2015

STRONG MAN CONTEST

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is and challenge me to a strength competition." he said. "I will bet an entire week's pay that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man. Let's see what you got." the young boaster replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, hop in."

 

ONLY ONE KISS PER YARD

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard." replied the young male clerk with a smirk on his face.

"That's fine." said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the elderly woman behind her, and smiled, "My Grandma's paying the bill."

 

HIGHWAY SPEED TRAP

A state trooper pulled over a car going just 19 miles per hour on the highway. As the officer approached the car, he noticed it was two elderly women and they both looked very pale and wide-eyed.

"Good afternoon ladies. Do you know why I am pulling you over?" asked the trooper.

"I'm terribly sorry if I did something wrong but I know I was not speeding." said the driver.

"Well, that is true, you weren't speeding...but you were going entirely too slow on a highway and that is equally as dangerous."

"No, Officer. I was going exactly the speed limit...19 miles per hour!"

The trooper laughed a little to himself. "Mam', this is Highway 19. That is not the speed limit, but simply the name of this highway."

Very embarrassed, the elderly driver grinned and thanked the trooper over and over for informing her of the mistake.

"But before I let you go, I have to ask... are you both feeling okay? You look awfully shaken."

"Oh sure, we will be fine. We just got off of Highway 120."

 

BE ON TIME

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner. A local politician and member of the congregation was to give a speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard. I thought I had been assigned to a very difficult place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, back-stabbed his closest friends, and taken a lot of drugs. I was surprised and saddened. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately started his speech.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived.  In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


{Courtesy of ElectricSmarts}

 

WRONG ADDRESS

A couple from a northern state decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedule so; the husband left and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel and sent an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere out West, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  The widow decided to check her email expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends who could not be present for the service.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: March 3, 2015

I just arrived and checked in.  Everything is set for your arrival tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to seeing you then.  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P.S. It sure is terribly hot down here!

 
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