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The Lighter Side (May 2015)

May 28, 2015

Cards you will never see at Hallmark


"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
 
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
 
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
 
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
 
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
 
"Happy Birthday!  You look great for your age...almost lifelike!
 
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
 
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
 
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating jerk!"
 
"We have been friends for a very long time; let's say we call it quits."
 
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
 
"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."
 
"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
 
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."
 

Pearls of Wisdom

  1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. Age is a high price for maturity.
  3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  5. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  7. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  8. Eat well, stay fit and die anyway.
  9. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  10. A balanced diet is a piece of chocolate in each hand.
  11. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  12. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  13. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  14. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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